


If I Were Able

by MOBAge_Hell



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, for like two paragraphs but better safe than sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 04:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14276940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MOBAge_Hell/pseuds/MOBAge_Hell
Summary: Despite Boey and the rest of the priory to keep her company, the quaint buildings now felt no more inviting than the lairs of terrors and the cantors that controlled them. Every sound, every shadow, and she’s reaching for a sword that she no longer carries at her side, and the chill she gets upon realization is colder than the northern regions of Rigel.The war's over, soldier's returned, dead buried, everything put in the right place. But for Mae it all feels wrong.(Or, Mae tries to find her place in post-war Valentia)





	If I Were Able

Mae dreams of Novis even when they're in the northern reaches of Rigelia. She dreams of winds that would blow in from the mainland and warm up the cozy island enough to warrant taking a dip in the sea. She dreams of Boey dragging her down with him when she tries to push him off the pier, and Celica's laugh when they would finally resurface.

It gets to the point where she assumes that's where she belongs once the war ends.

She still sees Celica safely back to Zofia. What kind of friend would she be if she didn't? That, and Boey was insistent on it and no way she'd let him show her up. But once Celica becomes Anthiese and she no longer needs to keep her secret or needs a pair of mages to protect her, she returns to Novis with her friend.

Once she arrives, though, she is no longer home.

Despite Boey and the rest of the priory to keep her company, the quaint buildings now felt no more inviting than the lairs of terrors and the cantors that controlled them. Every sound, every shadow, and she’s reaching for a sword that she no longer carries at her side, and the chill she gets upon realization is colder than the northern regions of Rigel.

The war's over, soldier's returned, dead buried, everything put in the right place. But for Mae it all feels wrong.

She no longer dreams of Novis or Boey or even Celica. She hardly sleeps either, staring up at the ceiling at night and trying to figure out where she had gone amiss. But the dark never answers and she eventually falls into short, fitful bouts of slumber.

She doesn't tell anyone though, as faking her normal cheery demeanor is easier than trying to describe what she's feeling. Instead Mae tells herself this is what she wanted, and waits.

\--

Long before they left the island, when their issues with pirates had just begun, no one docked on the small eastern pier fairly close to the priory anymore. There were no to help defend cargo there unlike the piers up north, and on clear days you could always see crooked, unkempt ships with black flags sail by the horizon. Eventually the priory children were no longer allowed to go there for fear of pirates as well. So the pier fell into disuse and disrepair and is near unusable now.

Still Mae goes there, sitting on the edge where the support was the strongest and letting water hit her bare feet when the waves crashed against the wooden beams. She tries to conjure up any sort of memory from when she was younger, trying to get herself to feel _something_ , but all she gets is knotted hair and a salty taste in her mouth.

"Mae!" She only hears Boey after the third of fourth time he calls her name from the shore. Only when she stands up does she realize she had been clenching the old wood hard enough to create splinters. Mae ignores the pain, silently putting her shoes back on before meeting Boey at the edge 

"What?" Mae finally asks after a moment of silence "Did you just feel like bugging me for no reason."

Boey bites his lip, looking more like he was about to traverse a graveyard full of terrors rather than talk to his best friend "Are you alright?"

Of course not she thinks

"I'm still fit as a fiddle," Mae flexes one arm, showing off a war's worth of muscle gain "In fact I think I'm better now that we're not stuck eating rations every day."

"Mae that's not what I-" Boey sighs heavily

"What else is there to be not okay about?" Mae shrugs "Pirates are gone, terrors are gone, no more war, no more Mila either, but we'll live. I have no reason to not be okay."

Boey doesn't look like he buys her speech, but then again neither does she even after repeating similar things to herself every night.

"Just. . .dont be afraid to ask for help, alright?" He pauses "I'm worried about you."

"Man, you still are the biggest worry wart even with Celica not around anymore." Mae crosses her arms in front of her chest "I’m fiiiiiine. Honest."

"Right." But when he turns around it still feels like she's alone on an empty, barren island with no one to talk to except the waves and the stars. They are good listeners, but can never soothe her worries like Celica always would.

\--

She doesn't see Boey much the next day. She hardly even notices until she happens to pass by his room and catches a glimpse of him packing neatly folded clothes into a bag.

"Sooooooo. . ." Mae stands in the doorway, startling Boey with her voice. "When were you going to tell me?"

"T-today." He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself

"Really? 'Cause that didn't sound too convincing."

"You _scared_ me." Boey points out, all facts and logical conclusions like he always was. "I'm too used to being able to hear you approaching a mile away."

"Well it's not my fault you're going deaf."

"With all your yelling it probably is."

Mae frowns when they fall into silence. She's usually a lot better at probing more words out of her best friend.

"Where are you going?"

"Just to the mainland to visit Celica."

"Oh." She starts fidgeting with her own fingers, rubbing over magic-borne scars again and again. "Have fun then, I guess."

"Mae." Boey calls the moment she starts to walk away. She humors him and stays, but isn't sure how under her friend's bewildered gaze

"Is that it?" He asks before she can say anything."'Have fun'? No 'How dare you try to usurp my position as Celica's bestest friend'? No 'I'm going too and there's nothing you can do to stop me'?"

"W-well, you always told me that was rude!"

"Since when have you ever listened to _my_ advice?"

Mae has to think hard to remember the last time they had a conversation that wasn't just bickering.

"Oh I see." Mae crosses her arms, hardly hiding her impish smile "You're too scared to travel alone but you were too proud to say it. You could have just asked."

"I'm not-" He cuts off his own words with frustrated noises before throwing his hands in the air. "You know what? Whatever. Ship leaves tomorrow morning so you better be ready by then."

"Okay 'fraidy cat." She takes her time walking back to her room. The victory doesn't feel quite as sweet as it used to.

\--

Mae had never been very good at the whole keeping focused on a task, so Boey eventually ends up in her room and folds and repacks the clothes already stuffed in her bag while she rummages through unorganized drawers because she swore she had put the necklace Celica had bought her while they marched on Mila’s Temple somewhere in here. (Things were easily lost to the grasping hands of Terrors, they realized not soon after, so she kept it in her armor close to her heart instead.)

Still they somehow make it on the ship the next morning despite nearly missing it and realizing that the two of them were rather disorganized without their liege to help set things straight. And somehow the trip feels even longer than the last time even though the waters are rather pirate free now. By the time they dock on the mainland Mae has managed to reopen some of the scars on her hands after picking at them over and over again because by Mila's grace she was bored and she had never been good at sitting still.

(Boey wraps her hands in bandages before they leave for the castle because despite him being on his responsible high horse most times at least he knows not to judge her in this regard)

"Are we doing a bad thing?" Mae eventually asks as they walk into the castle.

When Boey only arches an eyebrow in response, she continues "Wouldn't we just be getting in the way of Celica now that she has royalty stuff to do?" She fidgets with the edges of her bandages "We have zero experience in these noble shenanigans."

"We do not." Boey admits rather hesitantly "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try."

His answer doesn't mute her worries, but a voice calling her and her friend's name does. Her feet are moving before her thoughts can even really register what's going on but it doesn't matter because for once her mind doesn't whir over anything and everything but just repeats her name. Celica. Celica.

Usually Mae is the one that gets careless in her displays of affection, but Celica practically leaps at her and nearly bowls the Mage over. Instead of falling backwards they both collapse to their knees into a puddle of happy tears and touching foreheads and entwined fingers.

She almost recognizes the spark in her heart, but can't quite put a name on it.

\--

Being Queen Anthiese she doesn't have anymore time to spare today. Tomorrow though, she promises both of them with those pinky swears they always did, she would make time.

"You haven't been this happy since the war ended." Boey comments later. Mae isn't sure how she's supposed to respond to it so she settles with socking him in the arm.

"You need to get your eyes checked." she rolls her eyes. Mae knows he's right, but she never really liked being wrong.

\--

That night is the first time Mae dreams since she returned to Novis. Instead of the sleepy island, she dreams of Celica, hair like the fire she conjures and the sand reflecting the setting sun. She's probably speaking, but Mae is too distracted by skin still glistened with sweat and tired, tired eyes that still light up when Celica talks to her and manages to perfectly mirror Mae's heart.

She's already forgotten her dream when she gets out of bed the next morning, and blames her blushed face and racing heart on the heat of the morning sun.

\--

True on her word, Celica meets with them for tea in a room on the edge of the castle. Where there should be thick stone walls that protect the castle from weather and battle alike, there is instead glass panes that feed sunlight to the plants scattered about. Mae feels like she's in a forest instead of a castle. 

"The walls here were already half collapsed by the time the the war ended." The queen explains, leading them to a small ornate table surrounded by chairs and a multitude of plants. Mae is starting to find the array of colors both soothing and distracting.

Still she manages to pay attention as Celica pours tea for them and her and Boey start talking about crop yields and other rather boring things. Mae was never really one for tea, but holding the cup in her hand and going through the motions of sipping keeps her hands from doing more destructive things at least. She almost expects some fruity blend the market would always charge exorbitant prices for, but it's instead the earl gray they always had back at the priory.

"-but I don't want to take up all your time." It takes a moment to realize she had zoned out again, but at least it was only Boey speaking and he usually didn't say anything important.

"Nonsense Boey, I always value your input." Celica replies with that soft smile warmer than the sunshine pouring in through the glass panes.

"It's not that mil- Celica." Mae arches an eyebrow at her friend when he glances at her while he answers.

Boey doesn't have time to finish his explanation when the door opens again and a head with hair way too similar to cabbage pops in. 

"Oh," he backs up when he realizes Celica has guests. Mae squints at the farmer boy but actually royalty who had made Celica mad back before they marched into Rigelia. Her lady had forgiven him forever ago, but Mae tended to be the type to hold a grudge.

"You can stay." Celica quickly stands back up and makes Alm hesitate. "What did you need?"

"Well I kinda wanted to show you something but. . ." He trails off, glancing at both of her retainers.

Before Celica can say anything else Boey had already stood up and was practically shooing him back into the hallway. "Celica's busy right now but you can show. . ." Mae can't make out the rest as her friend closes the door behind him and they disappear into the hallway.

There's several moments of silence before she turns back to Celica. 

"What a weirdo." Mae comments while her lips are just above the cup, watching her lady sit back down.

"That was rather. . .strange." Celica was always hesitant to refer to her friends in a negative manner. "That does remind me though," the mage feels weirdly exposed when Celica turns back to her with nothing else to steal the queen's attention "I never asked how Novis is."

"Um" She fidgets with the tea cup in her hand, tapping the ornate porcelain with her finger in some attempt to fill up the silence "Its okay, I guess. I mean, everything's pretty much the same."

Celica hums thoughtfully. "You did talk about going back to Novis a lot while we were traveling North."

"Yeah, I did." Mae shifts in her chair, eyes wandering. "I guess."

They're both quiet and the room sits in silence except for the distant sound of birds singing and soldiers training.

"Mae," Celica's voice is as soft as when they would gossip at night where neither of them could sleep so they talked about everything and nothing. "Are you alright?"

When it was the priests or Boey or anyone else at Novis, the question barely made a dent in her happy facade. With Celica, her best friend, her lady, her _queen_ , it felt like a scab being torn off where her emotions were as bare as an open wound. She can't stem the flow of once bottled emotions that scald her heart and her face 

"Of course!" Its futile yet Mae tries to hide it regardless. "There's no reason I shouldn't be okay! I'm back at the priory and there's no war and I get to sleep in a normal bed and see my friends every day and-" She hasn't noticed that tears have welled up enough to start pouring down past her cheeks and onto her hands "A-and I have absolutely zero reason to not be happy."

A violent storm of thoughts suddenly ceases when she feels Celica's hands squeezing hers. Despite both their hands being covered, scars meet scars and Mae can feel where both magic of blade had cut through her skin and they're not much better than Mae's even though she's probably had access to loads of ointments and medicines made to soothe over such imperfections.

"Breathe, Mae." she quietly requests, but the priestess can't help but laugh bitterly

"You're the queen of this damn continent Celica. You shouldn't have to help calm me down."

"It's a queen's duty to help her people." she hums, giving Mae's hands another squeeze "Last I checked that included you."

"Boey would have a fit."

"Well it's a good thing he left then, isn't it?"

Giggling turns into deep breathing, Mae's still not as nice and full as Celica's breaths but she's trying. She attempts to focus on her lady's eyes and sees sparkles more brilliant than the seashells they would collect back at Novis, more heavenly than the stars they would watch late at night while Celica taught her the constellations she had learned when she lived on the mainland.

Her dreams were never about Novis, she realizes then, but the young woman in front of her with a smile brighter than the fragments of light the sun painted onto the sea.

"What are you thinking about?" Celica inquires when Mae's face turns a darker shade of pink than the messy locks that frame her head

"D-dumb things." She stammers and unconsciously starts running her thumbs over the back of her lady's hands.

"I happen to especially like listening to the thoughts you consider dumb." The queen insists, eyes lit up in curiosity.

"Even when I suggested that we only refer to Jesse as 'fucko' when we first met him?"

"Officially, no." But Celica biting back a giggle contradicted her words.

Mae’s head buzzes with fruitless attempts to string words together 

“I want to be with you!” Is what she finally blurts out, and immediately regrets it.

“You don't have to stay in Novis.” Celica says slowly, holding onto Mae’s hands even when she stands up.

“No- I'm sorry this is dumb. I'm dumb.” She tries to tear herself away, but her lady’s grip is firm.

“Mae.. .”

“Celica, please.”

“Mae.” Celica's tone is firm this time, standing up as well to meet Mae’s gaze. The priestess instantly looks away, tears falling again. “We have time, you don't have to rush your words.”

“You're the brightest point in my life, Celica. I don't want to lose that.”

“Mae.” Celica’s hands move to Mae’s face, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. She pauses for a deep breath. “I would give you the world if I were able.”

“Don't say things like that just to comfort me.” Mae finally looks back. She sees nothing but conviction in her eyes, not unlike when she had decided to march into Rigel to try and save Mother Mila.

“I'm not.”

“You don't think I'm weird?”

“Never.”

Celica pushes Mae’s bangs away from her forehead, leaning in to kiss but hesitating. She moves to the cheek instead, planting her lips there for a moment before she rests her forehead on Mae’s, noses touching. The only sound now is their breathing and the faint noises of nature trickling in like the sun.

For once, Mae is at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> me: let the mage girls hold hands you cowards
> 
> also me: celica's prolly going to be forced to marry alm for political reasons and she seems like the person to be super against giving promises she can't keep.
> 
> Shout outs to to solisaureus for the idea and OrangeBlossoms for beta-ing my half finished messed


End file.
